Brandi's Rules of Etiquette, Volume 1: Rules of the Pool

Our HOA has a great pool. Actually, we have two: one for families, and one for adults over 21. There are all kinds of rules posted outside the adult pool, both for the safety of others and for the enjoyment of all. I doubt that our pools are any different from other HOA pools, but sometimes I think it would be wise to add some additional rules to the mix. At present, my experience lies only with the adult pool, so I'm going to confine my rules of etiquette to the adult pool. In no particular order, here are my suggestions:

1. If you aren't 21, don't pay a mortgage in the neighborhood, and/or don't pay HOA dues, and you've somehow still made it into the pool, congratulations! Maybe you've got a future in one of those sneaky spy movies. Now, at the pool, you have extra important responsibilities. First of all, don't get in anyone's way. Second of all, don't be loud. Otherwise, you will be outed. Most people are too polite to tell you to leave, so keep practicing your sneaky spy techniques.
2. If you and your significant other have recently had a baby, then you are now a family. Congratulations to you! Now, get thee to the family pool. Your baby has a LONG way until he is eligible for the adult pool. No bars or nightclubs for him. No adult pools, either.
3. If the Disney character you most resemble is Shrek, and not Prince Charming, Prince Eric, Prince Ali, or Prince Phillip, you should probably cover up a little so as not to ruin the fantasy for the rest of us.
4. Likewise, if you're of the female gender and look more like Shrek than Ariel, Belle, Jasmin, or Cinderella, also cover yourself a little. Especially when you make long walks to the bathroom. And definitely if you live in another town. And on that note, if your consistently increasing talking volume does not run proportionate with others' in the pool (especially those who paid for your nice little visit), just be quiet. Our monthly HOA bill does not include entertainment, so don't worry about providing it. Especially if you look like Shrek.
5. If your parents pay the mortgage and you are lucky enough to still be living with them after you're 21 (most parents tell their adult children to go find their own homes), don't go to the pool with a friend and talk loudly (and incessantly) about your habits at the tanning salon (you're at the pool, for goodness' sake), your skill in digging up gold from rich older men at bars, or the guys you keep hanging around because they happen to let you ride on their boats. First of all, it's annoying. Second, you make the rest of us jealous.
6. If you intend to spend one hour on a phone conversation in a different language, stay home and do that. Don't sit in the pool and do it. That's just wrong.

Okay, so maybe they're my own personal pet peeves and aren't ready to be considered "rules" yet. And yes, I'm working to convince my husband that our next house should have a pool. :)